A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
