here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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