dude i'm inner monologue high
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
