I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
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Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
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Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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