my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
