He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
