i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
