but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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