Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
