Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Im part way to drunk.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
