i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
