the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
