I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
is it fun? or sober?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
