I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
