someone threw a dead crab at me
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
