my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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