giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
