My room smells like vodka and shame
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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