i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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