Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
