I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
