I feel like abortions should bother me more
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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