I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
