$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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