Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
