I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
