My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
