birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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