I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
