Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I touched a dick in church today
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
