You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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