I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
