it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
