I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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