Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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