I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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