I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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