i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
