She just used a chaser for red wine.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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