im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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