Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
