Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
