Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
