That's intense
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
