hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
