you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
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So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
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Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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