Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
are you so shy because you have an std?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
