I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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