I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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