god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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