you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
