Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We talked him into tasing himself.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Shame - the story of my life.
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