I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
