So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
