Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
