i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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