And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
