I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
