I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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