Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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