I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
