if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
