I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
