every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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