i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
