If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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